FLOG™

What's so funny?

Over in the Photographic Web Area, or right here.

Whatever you say, Mr. Franken. Lunatic fringe political commentator Al Franken decides it's okay to attack people engaged in lunatic fringe political speech. Here's the nut:

The trouble started [at a Howard Dean rally] when several supporters of fringe presidential candidate Lyndon Larouche began shouting accusations at Dean.

[Al] Franken emerged from the crowd and charged one male protester, grabbing him with a bear hug from behind and slamming him onto the floor.

"I was a wrestler so I used a wrestling move," Franken said.

...

[Also said Franken:] "I'm neutral in this race but I'm for freedom of speech, which means people should be able to assemble and speak without being shouted down."

But apparently they can be knocked down.

A lesbian in Bristol is selling her virginity for tuition money. Story in the News of the World.

If you have struggled as Blog struggled to view my now-over-ballyhooed "video art" bit that went up yesterday, you'll be relieved to know that it now works.

Apparently, I needed to convert my ".mov" files from "normal" to "self-contained." So once-pristine-looking 5-KB video files have now become grainy, pixelated 1-MB files. Which means I'm probably pressing my luck with the largesse of my dear brother Barry, host of this here internet stinkarama -- who by the way just became even more of a father when lil' Cam'Ron (okay, just Cameron) was born on my birthday, January 11. (Congratulations Barry & Jenny. Cameron doesn't have any idea how obnoxious this uncle will be on his [MY] birthdays in the years to come.)

But anyway, the video art now works, but I'm discouraged and will probably not make any more. Dem files is too big. I was going to really get into it, but no. Well, maybe one more if it's okay with Barry.

Alright, NOW enjoy.

So, after budlight.com censored a great animation-y thing I had come up with featuring my brother Mike in Renner's, I settled for a second-rate internet joke.

Because it's 2 AM on Friday, I personally think it's funny.

Here.

Okay, so my promised photo features are probably going to arrive not in a flood but in a trickle. For instance, today I've declassified a little more ¡Vegas! material. What I've got here might well qualify as video art, which would make me a video artist. So now you know one, if you didn't before.

Before you click on the link below, one warning: what you're about to see you may find either hypnotic or nauseating. Perhaps both at once. It would probably go well with drugs and Brian Eno, so cue those up if you got 'em.

Enjoy.

Thank you all very much...My fellow Americans: Major combat operations in Blog have ended. In the battle of Blog, FLOG™ and our allies have prevailed. (Applause.) And now our coalition is engaged in securing and reconstructing that blog...The tyrant has fallen, and Blog is free...

...Operation Shock and Awwww! was carried out with a combination of precision and speed and boldness the enemy did not expect, and the world had not seen before. From distant wallpaper databases or pet-owner's websites, we sent puppies and marmots that could destroy an entire enemy post...

... Our war against cute little critterism is proceeding according to principles that I have made clear to all: Any person involved in committing or planning cute puppy, penguin, or other attacks against FLOG™ becomes an enemy of FLOG™, and a target of FLOG™ justice. (Applause.)

Any person, organization, or government that supports, protects, or harbors cute little critterists is complicit in the cheering up of the innocent, and equally guilty of cute little crimes.

Any outlaw blog that has ties to cute little critterist groups and seeks or possesses weapons of mass disarming cuteness is a grave danger to the civilized world -- and will be confronted. (Applause.)

And anyone in the world, including the pet-obsessed world, who works and sacrifices for freedom from attacks of cute wittle puppy doggies--oh, they so cute! Yes they are! Yes they are!--has a loyal friend in FLOG™. (Applause.)...

...May God bless you all, and may God continue to bless FLOG™. (Applause.)

The critics here at FLOG™ have been very shrill of late about our leadership's failure to turn up any evidence of WMDC's in Blog's possession since the beginning of hostilities at 1 PM yesterday.

Let me remind these critics that we have, however, turned up evidence of LINKS to suspected Cuteness Camps (CC's) that could potentially supply Blog with Weapons-Grade Cute (WGC).

Further, it bears pointing out that FLOG™ has not been the victim of ONE SINGLE ATTACK from the rogue blog since we launched the campaign of Shock and "Awwww!". We have taken the fight to the enemy, and destroyed his ability to wage cowardly attacks against our interests abroad or here at home.

Now, it will be a long, hard slog, but let me assure you: Victory is Certain. We cannot fail.

As President Bush brought his State of the Union address to a close last night with...

"We do not claim to know all the ways of Providence, yet we can trust in them, placing our confidence in the loving god behind all of life and all of history. May he guide us now, and may God continue to bless the United States of America..."

...I found myself wondering when, in the--hang on a minute--

Hulph! Hrulphh!! RRREEEEETTCHHH!!!!!!

--Okay. I found myself wondering when and how the State of the Union became a silly spectacle in political grandstanding and pageantry, rather than a formal performance of the Constitutional duty to report SERIOUSLY to Congress on the current concerns and needs of the Executive branch. Well, I have found my answer here (if it's not right on top, scroll down to "The Unconstitutional State of the Union Address").

It's a pretty good read, even if I don't agree with the title. The Constitution requires communication from the President to Congress ("He shall from time to time give to the Congress information of the state of the union, and recommend to their consideration such measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient..."), but says nothing of its form. The "State of the Union" is but one embodiment of the requirement of communication; in fact the President and the Congress communicate all the time. Disagreement with the current form of the formal address does not make it unconstitutional.

UPDATE! I've decided to lop off the rest of this post. I had meant to summarize the post I linked to above, but ended up blowing off at almost equal length. As they say, the perfect map is the same size as its subject. Just go look at the other guy's history lesson.

Just when every succeeding issue of The Onion raises a milder and quieter chuckle and I'm just about ready to quit going there, they hit me with a headline like this:

African-American Neighborhood Terrorized By Ask Murderer

What, not funny to you? You sissy!

Ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon and God bless.

Five days ago, FLOG™ was the victim of an unprovoked attack--please click on the "FLOGback™" link--using Weapons of Mass Disarming Cuteness, by a rogue, aggressive, adventurist blog. Yesterday, this evildoer struck FLOG™ again, in a cowardly attack on our interests abroad.

The evildoer has expressed no remorse for these attacks, and has indicated no willingness to desist from future attacks. We are being given no quarter, so we will give no quarter. Ladies and gentlemen, I am addressing you today to inform you that several minutes before 1 o'clock, PM, Pacific Standard Time, FLOG™ launched a campaign of Massive Retaliation against the rogue blog. In the coming hours and days, we will unleash cuteness on a scale never before seen or contemplated. You will be shocked, and you will say "awwww!" Victory is certain. God be with us.

We would also like to apologize for the accidental launch of unexploded ordnance over Wazeth.

Seriously! Bring us a team. Any team. I'll take the worst goddamned team MLB can cough up. I don't care if we get the Bad News Bears, for cryin' out loud. Anything would be better than this, as reported in the Oregonian:

[Portland Trail Blazers coach Mo] Cheeks emerged from the locker room after Sunday's 96-92 loss [to Phoenix] sniffling and wiping his eyes. He then was unable to retain his composure when asked if he had been crying, abruptly walking away to find solace in a hallway, where he was seen weeping.

For those of you still with me on the Blazers' bandwagon--and believe me, I've got a lot more legroom up here than I did back in 2000--this has to be the most depressing display of public sorrow since that starving Afghani guy back in 2001, eating a grass sandwich and bawling his eyes out on the evening news. This sucks, Beavis. More than anything has ever sucked before.

Five straight losses, 9 of the last 10. Time was, the question "How 'bout them Blazers?" was a durable and ready remedy for awkward moments in conversation. Now the question is itself the awkward moment. I have been around for 25 years, living in Oregon, with two things I could always count on: it will always rain, and the Blazers will always win 40 or 50 games and go to the playoffs, usual graciously bowing out in the first round. I don't ask for much out of my Blazers--I've given up dreaming of a championship--but a semi-respectable level of slightly above average play has ever been our entitlement in Portland. Win some, lose a few less, show me a few clutch shots, belligerent blocks and killer alley-oops, and I'll be happy. But this year, it seems the Blazers have lost their touch for mediocrity and will now simply suck balls. And there are tears streaming down Cheeks' cheeks. Sad, sad, sad.

So I think I want baseball now.

For those of you as impatient for my ¡Vegas! photo feature as Blog, may I offer this animated vignette from the Fern Bar at the Mirage to tide you over.





Now, for fun FLOGback™, I invite you to submit speculation on this time-worn lounge lizard's...

...name
...place of residence
...occupation
...gambling habits
...hygeine habits
...preferred drink (the pina colada was for his lady fren')

It may seem outrageous to claim that I created the market for canned Horse's Necks all by myself. But be honest -- who else do you know who drinks them? (Besides Ashley.) My only complaint is that Jim Beam picked up on it before Early Times.

Moments ago, FLOG™ found the following in his inbox:

This is an email requesting less nitpicking of the English language and more pictures of floods and Vegas and puppy-dogs and such.

Gracias,

Blog

I know how you feel, Blog. I've been requesting the same of myself for a while now. But as you know, a decent photo essay takes time. I can nitpick English in my sleep. Speaking of which, more new Vocab!

rogatory. The lawyers went and lopped off the prefix on "interrogatory." You didn't think you could do that, huh? Yep! What it leaves is an adjective meaning "requesting information." So when you call Fantasy Video to see if they're still 24 hours, that's a rogatory phone call, that is.

manucaption. 1. Taking possession of by hand. 2. See "mainprise."

mainprise. Delivery of a prisoner to the mainpernor.

And of course, we all know the "mainpernor" is the front man from Soul Asylum.

Responding to an impressive one-man groundswell of public opinion, FLOG™ has gone interactive. Beginning a few minutes ago, you can now offer FLOGback™ right here on FLOG™. It's a handy way of generating content through no effort of my own. You are now partially responsible for keeping this site interesting. Please click on the obvious spot at the bottom of each post.

If you spend too long in the world of academia, talkin' all that fancy booklarnin' all the time, you may well end up like my Property professor. The words "um," "uh," and "er" aren't good enough for him, and so he buys time while speaking with the phrase "in some ways." His every spoken sentence, therefore, has equivocation built into its basic structure. And it can make for a lot of confusion if you take the man literally:

"So, in some ways, this long weekend will be your last big break before the end of March. So I advise you to, in some ways, enjoy yourself, and we will meet again, in some ways, next Wednesday."

Ah, I see. So next Wednesday we will meet IN SOME WAYS. What ways are these? And in what ways will we not meet? What should I bring?

(Side note: I'd like to avoid FLOG™'s becoming a forum given over entirely to nitpicking at the forms and uses of the English language, but it's becoming harder and harder to restrain myself. If you don't like it, please send FLOGback™)

A word is not a crystal, transparent and unchanged, it is the skin of a living thought and may vary greatly in color and content according to the circumstances and the time in which it is used.

--Oliver Wendell Holmes

Last term, I learned almost enough Latin to rival Blog's First-Eighteen-Lines-Of-The-Canterbury-Tales trick, in terms of spooking people by speaking in tongues. I also learned how to adduce things, and how to properly beg a question, and that I would be the only one in the classroom to stifle a giggle when the professor started talking about testates.

But I can tell that Property is going to be the real humdinger when it comes to new vocabulary. I've been to one damned class and look at all the terms I didn't know yesterday:

market-inalienable. Apparently, a thing is market-inalienable if it can be given away, but not sold. For example, a baby is market-inalienable, whereas a kitten is market-alienable.

usufruct. This is the right to use someone else's stuff to your advantage, so long as you don't hurt their stuff. Thomas Jefferson apparently considered each generation's usufruct to be one of those "self-evident" things of his, but it was probably left off the Declaration of Independence to avoid confusing King George III.

fungible. Something is fungible if it can be easily exchanged or substituted for by something else of equal kind and quantity. A nickel is fungible. A Bob Dylan is not fungible. Fungible can also be a noun, usually plural: "Gimme all your fungibles or I blow your motherfucking non-fungibles off!"

...is what I'd look like as a Lego figure? Which Tim Commentator and Blog have already covered?

Yep. See:



But don't worry. Today is the first day of school, which means for the next 17 weeks I'll be spending more time with my laptop than with anyone else, including Ashley. And I got good grades last term, so I now know I can reasonably balance law school and aimless online grabass during the day. So I'm sure FLOG™ will be cranking along shortly.

As will Photographic Web Area, which will soon feature ¡VEGAS! and A Night Spent Failing To Be Hip At The Hotel Lucia. Possibly also Winter Hell 2004, although we had it pretty mild down here in Eugene. Maybe you better ask Blog about that one. Stay tuned.